But what if you aren’t aware there’s work you can do to fix it? How are we supposed to blame people who don’t know what their options are in making the “wrong” choice? Really, we can’t judge a person’s choice if they never really had options in the first place. And that’s what happens sometimes with bullies. They experience pain, and because they aren’t presented with positive, healthier options to process that pain and let go of it, they take it out on others in the hope that they themselves will feel better. Sure, it’s pretty twisted. But so is taking out that pain on ourselves – the one we should be loving before all else. We take it out on our bodies with overeating or controlling our food intake, overexercising, drugs or alcohol; on our minds with negative self talk; on our hearts with shame, blame and guilt; and on our lives with controlling behaviors and impulsive decisions. We each have our way of taking out that pain on ourselves. While that appears to be a more compassionate way to deal with pain than bullying others, it’s also pretty clear that it’s still far from compassionate to bully ourselves. And that’s what we’re doing with self sabotaging behaviors. It doesn’t make us a bad person, and there is an authentic way to overcome it and find wholeness. But it does make you stop and think twice about blaming the official “bullies” of the world, doesn’t it? There is no need to determine which is better or worse – they’re both behaviors that need to change in our society. But it’s time we’re all aware that they both stem from needing to find a place of self love. So instead of blaming others for their mistakes and isolating them as bad people, why don’t we all try to love ourselves first and do what we can to support others in loving themselves as well?

As I continued running, I allowed my thoughts to come back to a disagreement I had had with someone in my life. I deeply and truly wanted to forgive this person, but recognized that I was having trouble coming to a place of compassion. All of the energy I could muster up from within had me feeling sorry for him, instead. And it didn’t feel good. It was that gnawing feeling that comes when anger or sadness that are directed at someone is still present. That feeling that makes neither you, nor the “other” involved feel better. And that’s the difference between compassion and just “feeling sorry” for someone. When it comes through the lenses of what we know to be right for ourselves, what we have, or what our experience has been, it’s not necessarily true compassion. When it’s rooted in our individual experience of what’s right, disregarding the larger perspective or essence of what’s truly perfect and whole, it actually belittles the person. We end up feeling sorry for them, based upon our own belief about what we think they should know, what actions we perceive would benefit them, or what way of being we make up to be ideal.

But we must begin somewhere. And when on the road to forgiveness, we may actually be better off feeling sorry for someone than focusing on anger, or hatred. But feeling sorry must be a choice, as choice comes with an awareness that there is, indeed another option. So in making the choice to feel sorry for someone, instead of feel true compassion, we recognize that there IS indeed a larger picture outside of our individual, and maybe even selfish perception of the world. And hopefully, if we’re careful to stay with the possibility that the beauty and truth of compassion will ultimately arise, we can sooner or later let go of that selfish perception of the world, and begin to see those who have hurt us through true eyes of love.

And in the mean time, whether it takes two more days, or two more years, I’ll continue to route my runs so that I may witness the beauty of compassion that this sweet woman has bestowed upon my city; as true compassion doesn’t come from being “above” anyone, but from being by their side.

You see, the idea that kids can’t identify or process their feelings is actually a very adult-like perception. To kids, everything has a feeling attached to it. Because kids tend to let go of things so quickly, we as adults often make up that they can’t really discern what’s going on. The difference between adults and children is that kids CAN identify and process their feelings – it’s second nature to them; and they can also let go of their feelings in an instant because all that exists for them is the present moment. The moment changes; their feelings can change with it.

The only reason why we, dear, well-meaning adults, believe that children cannot identify or process their feelings is that we don’t know how to ourselves. We tend to believe it’s so hard, and therefore, so “adult”. If we can’t do it, neither can our 3 year old counterparts. But have you ever stopped to think that maybe that’s all conditioning? Maybe it became so hard for us because some other well-meaning adult told our child selves to cut it out, stop feeling so much, or to suck it up, be a big boy/girl, and move on. Maybe in some special kid-self moment we were prepared to feel something deeply so we could just as quickly let it go and move on, and someone stopped us in that moment before we got to really feel it, and we in turn shoved it down, and tried to move on nonetheless. And maybe, just maybe, that’s what we’re doing to our kids now. Conditioning is everything sometimes, isn’t it?

But it does it have to be so counterproductive? What if we took a lesson from our kids about feelings? Okay, so maybe feelings aren’t exactly “childish”; but they are indeed perfectly “childlike”. And I, for one, am starting to wonder whether those words should be one-in-the-same. Since when was acting like a child necessarily a bad thing, anyway?! In this case, it’s our kids that can be teaching us. If we, as adults, can let go of all of our old programming around what it is to feel, and to express ourselves and our feelings, and take notes from our tiny associates, we may just have a more loving, communicative, connected, and conscious world in the end.
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As always, this is just my two cents based upon what I see in my work and daily life. I encourage YOU to give us YOUR two cents. Feel free to comment, share, or like!
In joy,
Jordanna Eyre

Probably one of the biggest pain points for many of my clients is the concept of “mirrors” – an awareness that that which we see in front of us, also shines light on a part of us, whether we like it or not. In addition to pointing out our beauties, mirrors also force us into seeing aspects of ourselves that we would otherwise reject. It’s pretty crummy to be confronted with the behavior of someone or something you can’t stand, and be forced to see how that’s also a part of you. So crummy that I’ve watched a handful of clients become resistant when asked how a situation that was frustrating, angering, or annoying them might be an example of something they needed to work on as well. But that’s how mirrors work – they’re ALL OVER THE PLACE! And they are masters of pointing in multiple directions at once! Just as that client may be confronted with something in them that stretches them to look at themselves in an uncomfortable way, the resistance I was seeing in them was also my OWN mirror to shine light on where I sometimes come up as resistant in my own life and relationships! Ouch. If only I had the simplicity to explain this concept sooner. As luck (or life) would have it, I finally found that simplicity: “If you spot it, you got it.” I recently heard this stated in a book given to me – it’s interesting how life’s little synchronicities more often give us what we didn’t realize we need, rather than what we thought we needed. I say synchronicity because not only did this book helped me to rephrase how I’ve been wording the whole mirror thing, it also helped me to see why it was so hard to work on it with others.

After seeing the concept put that simply, I was compelled to look for it everywhere, and every time I “spotted” something. Anything I noticed that didn’t sit 100% right with me was put to the question “What is the quality or essence of X that bothers me, and how do I still do that/embody that in my life?”. Like I said earlier, it sucks to have to consider the fact that you’re also a perpetrator of something you can’t stand; but there’s always an answer there. For example, my ability to be annoyed by the guy smoking on the street corner next to my home has nothing to do with smoking itself. I’ve never smoked a day in my life, but the quality of what bothers me about his smoking I am just as guilty of. I hate that he’s doing something that infiltrates my safety and affects the quality of my life. How many times have I let my loud voice infiltrate someone else’s space, unknowingly affecting someone else’s quality of life?!

The cool part of engaging in this type of painful self awareness is that, just like deciding to go for that run, there are some serious benefits once you are willing to undertake the practice. The benefits are, in fact, more long term – they may even be permanent if we’re really willing to put in the work on our end first! For example, since I realized that the clients who were showing up as “resistant” were actually a symptom of the areas in communication and relationship where I’m still being resistant, they’ve stopped appearing so resistant to me. Those same clients now show up with more creativity, openness, and surrender to their process than they used to. Because when we can finally spot what it is that we “got” in what we keep “spotting”, what we keep spotting starts to disappear. Once we’ve worked through our end of the mirror, how we play a role in what’s bothering us, it stops showing up! So yes, this self awareness stuff is painful, but it’s worth it, I swear.